Strategies for setting healthy boundaries

Having healthy boundaries is essential for our overall well-being. It also lays the groundwork for healthy relationships. Here are tips on how to create them.

Healthy boundaries create a virtuous cycle of positive self-esteem and personal responsibility. Unhealthy boundaries, on the other hand, leave us feeling resentful, angry, and at risk of burnout. Interested in setting healthy boundaries and need more information? Read on.

What are healthy boundaries?

Personal boundaries are rules we establish for how others treat us. Healthy boundaries tend to go hand-in-hand with good self-esteem and peaceful relationships. Unhealthy ones lead to chaos.

Consider this: We are constantly teaching others how to be in relationship with us. That means that if you don't like how others are treating you, it's time to set new rules! Sounds scary? It's actually pretty simple, once you understand the lay of the land.

What do healthy and unhealthy boundaries look like?

There are real differences between healthy and unhealthy boundaries. These differences can be learned, or unlearned. Here are some of the most noticeable traits:

Signs of healthy boundaries

• High self-esteem
• Assertive; can say "yes" or"no" truthfully, and accept another's "no"
• Take personal responsibility for their own happiness
• Recognize that they are not responsible for others' happiness
• Empowered, high sense of self-efficacy
• Able to speak their truth clearly and directly
• States their needs or makes requests simply and clearly

Signs of unhealthy boundaries

• Low self-esteem; self-esteem depends on how others treat them
• Hard time saying no; say yes when wanting to say no; expects others to just say "yes"
• Do not understand that they create their own happiness
• Believe they are responsible for others' happiness
• Disempowered; tend to blame others
• Have a hard time speaking their truth; become shut down or explode, or both
• Over-explain; apologize

Setting healthy boundaries

When you need to set a boundary, be clear and calm, and use respectful language. You do not need to explain yourself. There is no need to apologize. There is no reason to get angry or upset. You are simply setting a boundary, letting the other party understand what you will and won't accept. You may even be their role model!

If this is a new skill, remember that it takes practice, and you are not the only one learning ― so are the people you are trying to establish the boundaries with.

Expect some resistance and discomfort at first, and don't back down. You teach your boundary through your words and actions. Unlike a "no trespassing" sign, people don't necessarily know where your boundary is without bumping into it.

What to do when someone has violated a boundary

"When are you going to get married?" "Your husband is at it again!" "Can you believe so-and-so did such-and-such?" "You are too pretty to be working so hard." The questions and comments can come unexpectedly. When we are caught off guard, it is hard to know how to handle it. A giggle, a blush, a reluctant joining do not effectively give the signal that our boundary has been crossed.

So how do you react when someone has violated a boundary? Give a simple, clear response like:

• That kind of question is uncomfortable for me
• Those are things I am not going to discuss
• I'm not comfortable with that kind of comment
• Please don't make comments about my appearance

Establishing healthy boundaries in existing relationships

What if the person habitually makes comments, and they have for a long time? Again, simply and clearly state your case.

You might choose to begin by addressing the fact that you are making a change. Say something like "I know that in the past you/we have said/done XYZ. But I'm not comfortable with that. So―

• I'd rather not discuss whether or when I'm going to get married.
• Let's not discuss my husband/wife/partner.
• I'd rather not talk about him/her/them/that.
• Please don't make comments about my appearance.

Why can it be so hard to set healthy boundaries?

Sometimes people have a hard time setting healthy boundaries. They may feel guilty or undeserving, or the whole thing might feel unnatural. This is common when

• You we were brought up being taught that it was selfish to take care of yourself
• Your parents or caregivers did not model healthy boundaries
• You fear abandonment or rejection
• You don't feel good about yourself

When people don't like your new healthy boundaries

Your responsibility is to set your boundaries. How the listener responds is their responsibility.

If they become defensive or embarrassed, keep your cool. Remember to be respectful and compassionate. If they become angry and abusive, give them time to calm down.  Perhaps you have collected people who are toxic and seek to manipulate and control you. If they won't respect your healthy boundaries, then you have the right to let them go.

If things feel awkward, don't backslide. Remember, the listener is responsible for their reaction or response, not you. As long as you are sure that you've done your best to speak respectfully and clearly, you have done your part. It might feel awkward and it might have come out a little clumsily; that's part of the learning process and it is OK!

Having healthy boundaries is a two-way street

Make sure that you return the healthy boundaries in kind: avoid gossip and refrain from making inappropriate comments yourself. 

Setting healthy boundaries creates a virtuous cycle of positive self-esteem and feeling that you are running your own show. You have aright to self-care and to respectful treatment. The people in your life benefit by seeing a happy empowered you. Hopefully, they will learn through your example.

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by Sarah Murphy

Same argument time and time again? Try this.

Often couples find themselves locked in a fruitless conversation, having the same argument time and time again, with no resolution in sight. The bad news is that this can lead both parties to feel hopeless, helpless, and misunderstood. It can create distance between you.

Stop having the same argument time and time again

The good news is that when we learn to communicate about what is truly important, going beneath the surface details to find our "pain point" and speak from there, these issues can actually help us grow closer.

It's not about the "facts of the case"

Often we think we know why we are upset. Sadly, we are wrong. "It's because he leaves his socks on the floor," "it's because she doesn't rinse the plates before filling the dishwasher." On and on it goes.

There are several problems with this approach, but the most important part is that we are having the wrong conversation. When we engage in the surface details of the argument, we are gravely missing the point. It's not the "facts of the case" that are really at issue.

It's the feelings.

Imagine it were your neighbor telling you about the socks on the floor or the dishes un-rinsed in the dishwasher. Would that make you so upset?

But, you say, these are my dishes and my floor; it creates a problem for me.

You have a point. But then again, think of all the sacrifices you have cheerfully made, the diapers you've changed, the cat boxes you've scooped, the dog poop you've bagged without question… socks and dishes aren't the very worst thing you've dealt with. So why is this issue a problem?

The art of going deeper

Beneath every uncomfortable argument, behind almost every angry feeling, is something more vulnerable. This is the feeling to identify, and the one to lead with. But often it can be difficult to figure out what is going on under the surface.

When you find yourself getting angry at your partner, take a moment to pause and reflect. Ask yourself a few questions.

1. Why is this important to me?
2. What feeling am I feeling?
3. When have I felt this before? (Hint: it's almost always a life lesson, something we've been dealing with for a long time, that gets us riled up.)

Then lead with your feelings. It's much easier to be open to a request that is spoken with kindness rather than accusation, and that hinges on our vulnerability rather than a criticism of them. It goes something like

"Hey, I know you're tired at the end of the day and I appreciate how hard you work. But when I see your dirty socks on the floor, I just get caught up in this negative thinking about how I was always the one who had to help my mom with the chores… and it brings up those old feelings of being unappreciated. It would mean so much to me if you would please make an effort to put the socks in the hamper. Would you do that for me? Thank you."

Contrast that with the (eye roll, big sigh; angrily pick up socks and slam into hamper). "Why don't you ever put your socks in the hamper!?!"

There ya go. So ― go deeper. Once you know why you are upset, and you know that it is your own story grounded in your own history and vulnerability, you will be more likely to speak softly. And you will be more likely to get the response you want.

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by Sarah Murphy

Relationship help: Understanding attachment in relationships

Much of our current understanding of what goes wrong in adult relationships is grounded in the research on attachment. For several decades now, psychologists, therapists and educators have understood the bond between children and their primary attachment figures ― usually their mothers. You can read more about this here. Recently, therapists and researchers have realized that attachment does not end in childhood. In fact, being secure in our relationships is, or at least feels like, a matter of survival. There is a growing understanding of the role of attachment in marriage and romantic relationships.

After decades of research, we understand that there are basically three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Each of these will drive our emotional life and the way we show up in our relationships. We are usually unaware of these patterns, but learning about them can help us to better understand ourselves and our partners.

Secure attachment

People who have attentive parents tend to have developed a secure attachment system. By and large, they grow up expecting to love and be loved, to have their needs met, and to be comfortable asking for those needs to be met.

Anxious attachment

People who had unpredictable moms tend to develop an anxious attachment system. They often grow up to carry this attachment anxiety into their adult relationships. They feel insecure in love. These people are never quite certain that they can trust that their partner really loves them, and that he or she is really going to be there for them.

Avoidant attachment

People who had aloof and unresponsive parents tend to be aloof themselves. They seem to shut down their drive for closeness and connection; tend to grow up to be avoidant in love; feel suffocated by a partner who seeks emotional connection; and continually engage in distancing behaviors, keeping themselves familiarly aloof.

Attachment in adulthood

We humans have a strong drive to form close emotional bonds. Forget the myth of the cowboy, happily living alone on a grand adventure. Without human connection, we do not thrive. For modern Americans, in our frenetic-paced, time-strapped, isolated culture, the best place to have those needs met is in our romantic relationships.

Research shows that people who have happy marriages are far better off than those in difficult marriages are. Single people are better off than people in difficult marriages are, but not as well off as those in happy marriages. Happily married people enjoy many benefits beyond the economic advantage that often accompany a two-earner family. They are happier, and they even have physiological advantages. They get sick less often, recover faster, and may even experience less pain.

Attachment in marriage and romantic relationships

When we have been hurt, it is easy to rest in our anger instead of our vulnerability. We tend to see our partner as a jerk. Then we unconsciously build up walls to “protect” ourselves from him or her in an attempt to prevent further hurt. It is important to understand that the “hurt” that causes the breach does not even have to be a big, dramatic hurt. Little unanswered attempts to connect can lead to the same problem as big breaches of trust. Luckily, when we understand the role of attachment in marriage and romantic relationships, we are able to take a step toward cultivating a connected, loving partnership. When we have that, we are also able to reap all the many rewards that come with it.

Are attachment issues at play in your relationship issues? Contact me.

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by Sarah Murphy

Relationship help: Principles and Practices for Better Communication

In my work with couples, I apply a set of principles and offer practices to support them, healing wounds, and fostering closeness and connection. If you are asking for some "help for my marriage", read on to learn about some principles and practices I use in couples therapy.

Principle:

Couples who are engaged in active conflict often get caught up in arguing the "facts of the case", but really, we are upset because of our history, stories, and interpretations. It's not about the "facts of the case" and if we stay there, fighting over the "facts", we are in a win-lose frame and ultimately, neither of us can win.

Practice:

• Shift to a win-win frame by realizing that if you are upset, your partner has simply created the context for you to experience that upset.
• Notice that your triggers have long legs, reaching back into your past and coming up over and over again in various contexts.
• Remember that your conflict gives you the opportunity to heal your wounds from the past.

Principle:

We learn to be impeccable with our word. We learn to say exactly what we mean to say, speaking our truth for the purpose of mutual understanding, rather than blaming, shaming, or otherwise harming.

Practice:

• Search inside yourself to find the right way to speak your truth.
• SLOW down
• Avoid sentences like "you always_______", or "you never_______", or blanket character-assassination statements like "you are so _______(something bad)".
• State your perception simply.
• Talk about your feelings directly.
• Have an "ask" - and understand that "no" is a reasonable answer.

Principle:

When we are upset and triggered, we regress to an earlier developmental stage. (Your grown-up self does not act that way!)

Practice:

• Bring a mindful quality to upsetting situations and avoid "catastrophizing".
• Avoid black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking and statements.
• Take a 20-minute "distraction break" as soon as you realize you are getting upset. It will be worth the wait if you wait till you are calm to finish the conversation.

Principle:

Because of  our evolution, we remember the "bad stuff" more easily than the "good stuff". This helped our forbearers survive. In order to thrive, we need to put forth more effort into remembering the good stuff.

Practice:

• Savor our positive experiences, being mindful and aware of them while they unfold.
• Make it a priority to invest time and energy into creating more good stuff in the relationship.
• Prioritize spending time together, being present with each other.
• Treat each other with kindness and think of the relationship with gratitude.

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by Sarah Murphy

Relationship help: The value of slowing down

Your significant other holds your heart, and you hold theirs. But often couples' interactions are anything but gentle. It is exactly because of our closeness that we can be so triggered by our loved one. (Read about the role of attachment in relationships here.) Sadly, fights can get brutal, love can get bruised, and relationships can become distressed. Here are some tips for relationship SOS.

There are strategies that every couple can learn to use to keep things cool. Psychologists and therapists, like the Gottmans and Sue Johnson, have set themselves to the task of finding out what works in healthy relationships, and how to apply strategies to couples in distress in order to help them function better. We are beginning to understand what works.

One of those strategies is to s l o w down.

Many of us will have to learn entire new ways of communicating, because we probably heard a lot of "you did this!" and "you never do that" and "you make me so angry" when we were growing up. Those words put the listener on the defensive and do not help us solve our problems!

The formula: I feel _____ about ______ and I need (ask) _____.

A better strategy is to slow down before we speak in anger. It is far more effective for the long-term success of our relationships to take a moment to look underneath our anger and find our more relevant vulnerability, and speak from there.

For example, instead of saying, "you don't work hard and don't make enough money," say "I am feeling vulnerable about our family's financial position, and I need for us to come up with a plan for spending and saving."

The formula: validation precedes problem-solving

Now it is the listener's turn to take it slow. Instead of being defensive, make sure your partner knows that they've been heard. Say something like "you think ____ and feel ____; is that right? I'd like to share my perspective."

This offers a springboard for collaborative problem-solving. When we remember that our relationship is important, that our partner is important, and that we are important, we are able to speak with kindness and compassion.

But we are only human after all, and when we get upset part of our brain goes off line

Sometimes when we are very vulnerable, our best attempts at careful speech and "I-statements" will fail us (or our partners). When things get heated, we become flooded with stress hormones and we lose contact with our frontal lobes, which are responsible for impulse control and reason.

The best practice when things are too hot is to stop the conversation and give ourselves a time-out. We have to shift our concentration to something else ― a walk, a game, the laundry, a song ― as long as we don't keep thinking about the problem. This gives all those stress hormones the chance to exit our bloodstream and give us back access to our whole brain.

Relationship SOS

Then we can begin again, with the formula: I feel _____ about _____ and need _____. Validation precedes problem solving: "You feel ____, did I get that right?"

Arguments happen. Every relationship has conflict, and most of it can't be resolved, just managed. We are just human, after all. We know that there are tremendous benefits of healing and maintaining our relationships ― better health, less pain, more resilience, etc. All of this makes the effort worthwhile. Slowing down will go a long way toward keeping our relationships strong!

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by Sarah Murphy

Kids, Candy, and Life Lessons: What I Learned About Resilience

My sons are mostly grown now; this year I’ll have three in college. (Gulp.) Looking back, I realize how quickly childhood passes and how much we learn along the way—both as parents and as humans.

The Candy Request

When my kids were little, they were adorable and full of energy. I tried to be a good, honorable mom: healthy meals, limited screen time, bedtime stories, and chores to teach responsibility. Life was busy but happy.

One day, on the way home from karate, they begged me for Air Heads candy. I didn’t usually give them candy, so I said no.

Weeks went by, and their asking turned to begging. “Please, please, please, pleeeaaaase!” they cried, bouncing with excitement. I finally relented.

We went to Five Below, bought the candy, and the kids tore open the wrappers. My five-year-old waited for the magical moment… then his face fell.

“Darn! It didn’t work!” he exclaimed.

“Work?” I asked.

He explained: “On TV, when you bite into the candy, your head gets big and you start to swirl around and go upside down…”

Instead of a carnival ride in his mouth, he had plain candy. He was disappointed—but he learned a small lesson: expectations vs. reality.

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Turning 40: A Personal Lesson

A decade ago, I was excited to turn forty. I thought I’d have everything figured out: serenity, confidence, and peace.

Forty didn’t look like that. My forties brought moves, a divorce, heartbreak, a child-centered crisis, the death of my sons’ father, financial stress, and peri-menopause. At one point, I thought, I’ve survived it all; nothing can hurt me now. I was wrong.

Life Lessons From Pressure

The events of my forties pushed and tested me. Resistance was futile. But each challenge brought growth. Every heartbreak came with a lesson. Every crisis reminded me that grief is the other side of love. Things passed. Life moved on. I realized I was never alone.

These experiences taught me resilience, patience, and perspective. I learned that disappointment is temporary, and that joy can appear even after loss. I discovered that setbacks often come with hidden lessons.

From Air Heads to Forty

Looking back, I notice the parallels between my children’s small disappointment with candy and my own life lessons. Both taught me that expectations often collide with reality—but we can learn, grow, and find humor along the way. My son learned about Air Heads. I learned about turning forty.

Disappointments, big and small, are opportunities for growth. Both of us learned: life doesn’t always match the commercials, but the lessons are priceless.

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by Sarah Murphy

Relationship help: Four things happy couples do to keep love alive

Have you ever wondered what makes some couples happy and successful, while others struggle and often fail? Here are four things that happy couples do to keep love alive!

They focus on the positives

 

In order to have a great relationship, we need to feel safe with our partner. Bringing a "glass is half-full" mindset to our relationship sets up a positive feedback loop: Because we see in our partner more of the good than the bad, we respond to them more positively. This allows our partners to feel happier because they feel safer and more supported. That, in turn, leads to more interactions that are positive.

They make their relationship a priority

In our hectic modern life, many couples struggle to find time to be together. Those who rise to the challenge, however, reap the rewards that come from this closeness. Even when balancing work, kids, household chores, and other responsibilities, happy couples make time for each other. From going to bed at the same time, to putting love-notes in each other's lunch boxes, to sending messages during the day to let their partners know they are on their minds, to greeting each other with a hug at the end of the workday, happy couples find ways to connect every day.

They act (and speak) with kindness

They know that in order to have a happy relationship, they must be kind to their partner. They do little things with great kindness, even if it's emptying the dishwasher. They acknowledge the things their partner does for them, and don't take these things for granted. If they have something important to say, they find ways to say it that considers their partners' feelings. When the relationship is a priority, being kind to their partner is a priority.

They speak their truth

When they have something important to say, they find a way to say it. This truth-speaking, however, hinges on the glass-is-half-full, relationship-as-priority, speaking-with-kindness principles outlined above. Because when we see our partner as, well, our partner, then we can say what's on our mind and know that we are in this together, and we will find solutions to our problems together. Of course, every couple will have disagreements. That's part of life. But while troubled couples become adversaries, happy couples form an alliance. Disagreements are things to work out, not fight about.

Try adding these simple ingredients to your relationship and keep love alive!

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by Sarah Murphy